Let’s face it, having a baby is not a pretty experience, neither is raising one. As mums, we can spend a lot of the time looking and feeling fairly rubbish.

Now, I know that in the first few months after having our baby Harry I was in a right state. My husband is amazing and the best man I know. And, trying to be his lovely self, he used to (and continues to) help out a lot with Harry and say all shades of nice things to me. Most of these I find hard to believe, and particularly in the early days on next to no sleep would think of all sorts of vicious comebacks in my head.

So, here’s a little list of the things husbands and partners say, and what we mums most likely think about them. Note to my husband – don’t take any of this personally!

Husband says:
You look sexy in your maternity bras.

Me:
Bullsh*t. Some women might, if they buy that super sexy maternity lingerie that costs a fortune. But mine are all milk-stained Bonds feeding bras that have been washed WAY too many times so they’re grey and stretched. My boobs are leaky and uncomfortable so back the HELL away. 

Husband says:
Go out and enjoy yourself. I’ll DEFINITELY follow his routine and play with him. 

Me:
Get home and both are in front of the TV watching Sons of Anarchy. Nappy is full to the brim. Baby hasn’t slept. Baby is cranky, Mummy is very cranky.

Husband says (upon finding the house a mess):
What did you do all day?

Me:
Disheveled hair, crying baby on hip, stained clothes. Death stare. Huge sighs.

Husband says:
Why don’t you sleep naked anymore?

Me:
Oh I’m sorry, does my having to wear a bra to bed so that my huge, leaking and engorged boobs don’t become even more agonising bother you? You can do the breastfeeding instead if you like?

Husband says:
Check out the trendy outfit I put him in!

Me:
I know the mismatching print look is in but he just looks downright homeless.

Husband says:
I know I know, he’s got to go to bed soon. I won’t stir him up. Just a few tickles…

Me:
Have to spend the next hour rocking, shhhhhing and reinserting the dummy. Thanks.Very.Much

Husband says:
Is that another glass of wine?

Me:
Repeat death stare. Your son has been crying all day so yes, it sure is. Deal with it.

Husband says:
Oooh those legs of yours are a little prickly.

Me:
Well if YOUR son would stop shouting for me, stay in one spot without having to be strapped down and stop following me around the house or need chasing I would actually get time for a longer-than-two minute shower and therefore time to shave them! (same goes re waxing bikini line :-/ )

I'm sure I've missed many more, feel free to get in touch with any I should add! :) 

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Authorme-oh-my!