As a parent, there's so many occasions when something happens at the absolute worst time, and it can have you swearing, sighing, laughing and frustrated all at once. Here's my list of the 10 things our children really love to serve up at the most inopportune times..
1. You’re just about to go swimming, they’re all changed into their swimmers (which is no easy feat in itself) and they choose that moment to do a Number THREE – or, even worse, they do it WHILE they’re in the pool. Cue the 'Jaws' theme tune!
2. You think you have them all figured out (sleep from X to X, feed this much at X time etc) then they go and have a ‘Wonder Week’ or growth spurt and it’s back to the drawing board.
3. You’ve just stocked up on clothes when they have a huge growth spurt and suddenly nothing fits. Bring on the emergency trip to the nearest shopping centre, or the online shopping via Instagram (express shipping option, please) followed by a flurry of activity hiding the receipts from the husband [no Darling, I never do that ;)]
4. You’ve just sat down for the first time all day, they’re finally asleep after a marathon effort of shhhhh-ing, rocking and soothing….and then the Postman comes (with aforementioned online shopping), rings the doorbell and wakes up the baby. Death stares ensue.
5. You’ve dressed them in their best and most expensive outfit (see points three and four) and they decide that’s DEFINITELY the best time to do a ‘Number Two’ or 'Poo-Nami' that renders their shorts/skirt/pants/jeans unsalvageable. Our little man’s last trendy pair of jeans were no exception… they lasted two days.
6. They’ve been well-behaved little angels all day but the moment you decide to take them out in the company of others they become whiney and crying, for no particular reason.
7. People stick their faces right up close and talk to your baby in ‘baby talk’ – my baby’s response is a look of “What the hell are you saying idiot, step the ‘F’ back!”
8. When strangers tell you you’re “looking good for having had a baby”. My response is a look of “You’re looking good for someone who says that to mums!”
9. When ancient relatives or friends (or anyone, for that matter) gives you completely unsolicited advice about how to raise your child. Because THEY know best, of course. I think to myself “Of course, I definitely want to try that new age parenting model that worked so well for you. PS. When does you first born get released from prison again?”
10. When two maternity bras (or more, in my case) and multiple breast pads do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to prevent you leaking all over your shirt in public. People stare. Gape, in fact. Yes, I’m lactating, deal with it.
I'm sure there's many others to add to this list! As always, get in touch if you have any feedback :)