By Contributor Kim Saunders (@captain.and.co)

I can't get my almost eight month old to sit on her own. Even though I've been trying for months.


I can't get my almost 2.3 year old to poop or pee on the potty. Even though I've been trying for six months.


I can't get either of them to sleep. Day or night.


I can't get Mini to feed herself properly. Let alone eat most of the things I make her.

Kim and her littlest Freya

Kim and her littlest Freya


I can't leave the house without without tears and tantrums.

I feel like I just can't do anything right. I feel like I'm failing at everything. I feel like I'm losing my shizzle more and more. I feel like all I say everyday is no-stop-Mabel-don't-heck-balls-stop-it-stop-it-stop-it.


The house is a mess. I'm a mess. Everything is a battle. Everything is dang hard. Everything is ugh.

And worst of all. I'm not really loving being a mum today. Sigh. I said it. Out loud. I just want to sit in the corner and cry. On my own. All day. I'm actually crying as I write this. And as I re-read this. And as I edit this.

I'm totally not coping. I'm sad. I'm tired. Always so dang tired. I'm lonely. And I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. And I totally suck at this mum thing.


I knew I wasn't overly maternal before having babes. I know I have a short fuse. I know I'm an overly emotional person. And have OCD. And like things done my way. But I never ever thought Mum Life would be this hard. I never thought it would take such a toll on me. On my marriage. On my happiness.

I love my girls more than anything. But some days they break me. Take away my happy. My spark. My joy. Today is one of those days. I just want it to be over so I can go to sleep. And start fresh tomorrow. Hopefully.

Kim's girls Mabel and Freya

Kim's girls Mabel and Freya


I know this is mostly my PND talking. Heck I hope it's the PND and not just me. I know this phase will pass. Hopefully soon. I know things will get better. They have to right? I know the days will get easier. Lighter. Brighter.

But for now, it just seems so real. So never ending. So hard. So overwhelming. It's such a shit hard emotional roller coaster that I feel like I'm riding on my own. Totally out of control. And I just want to get off this crazy ride.

And that's why I know I need help. I need to talk to someone again. I thought I had beaten the PND. But I haven't. It's an arsehole of a thing that rears it's ugly head when you least expect it.

For now all I can do is breath. In and out.


Calm my farm. Look at my babes. Hold them tight. Enjoy the small things. Remember they need me. And I need them. Remember they love me. And I love them. With my everything.

They are my spark. My joy. My happy.

Poo-pee-pants-tanty-worms-no-sleep-food-fights and all x

 

Editor's note: Kim has a new blog! Check it out here and show this amazing mama some love.

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